Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Rage

We've been having a hard time here lately - there's been no time to post. We're still schooling and muddling through but it's been stressful and difficult. My job has kept me working long, long hours so my sleep is short - I'm quite lucky to get 3-4 hours per night. Chillymama's office gig is also extrememly demanding right now. There's lots of tension.

Our trip to LA came amidst lots of work chaos and wasnt' really very relaxing. It was fun. But it was work. Truthfully, it was a bad time for a trip. This month (and much of October) has been filled to capacity. I simply have no time for anything beyond working and doing the bare minimum to get by.

When I am exhausted beyond measure feelings turn to rage. My coping strategy is to hold it in, not let it errupt. But more than a month of repression takes it's toll. I'm edgy and often near panic. This leaks out in the household and I can feel my kids shrinking away. It's horrible. I even imagine giving up - on homeschooling, work, relationships - life. Not really an option.

I had a wonderful talk with a friend today. I called her after she sent an email asking: "Where are you? I haven't seen you since September." It was wonderful to talk to her. We discussed the stress and the rage and the joy. My spirit feels much, much lighter.

It all makes me wonder why I don't reach out or call out more often. Why hold it in? Why the need to sort it out all by myself? I'm not sure. But I'm glad for the connection I made today. It's why I'm including this in a post. I need to talk about it more.

The best part of everyday is the time I spend unschooling with my kids. But this gift has a cost. We are not wealthy. We choose to give up income and follow this path. For that reason I work in the evenings. And Chillymama remains working in a stable job with wonderful benefits for us all. Sacrifices all around - by choice.

This life we've created is not all chalk pictures and hand crafts. At times it feels effortless but at others it feels brutal and suffocating. There is a light at the end of the tunnel - at least for me. My deadlines are nearing and my 40-60 hours per week job should ease up to it's normal 10 hours by early to mid-December. Then we can find our rhythm again.

I'm looking forward to that.

2 comments:

blumbosa said...

Oh my God, this so closely mirrors what's going on in my household. Different details, similar feelings. I'm so glad you got to talk to someone. We are trying to make some major changes around here because the way things are going is not sustainable. I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to talk to you last night, and I hope to talk to you soon, about you-know-what.

Aleisha said...

I did hear a little about what's happening in your world - seems we're on the same plane. Take charge girl.
Call during the day and I'll give you the details about the you-know-what!